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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25002838">Breathe Me In</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/GoldenSparrow/pseuds/GoldenSparrow'>GoldenSparrow</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Love Victor (TV 2020)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Coming Out, Getting Together, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks, Self-Acceptance</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 02:14:46</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>7,108</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25002838</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/GoldenSparrow/pseuds/GoldenSparrow</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>He knew this would be hard, that he wouldn’t get the same happy ending that Simon did, but knowing it and experiencing it were two very different things.  He thinks back on his relationship with his parents, how close they all were, and hopes to god that he didn’t just permanently ruin that.</p><p>Even though he worried about his parents and how they were reacting to his news, he couldn’t regret coming out.  There was something so freeing about the whole thing. It felt like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders, like he’d been carrying the entire world around with him and hadn’t even noticed.  He doesn’t know how he spent so many years hiding.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Benjamin "Benji" Campbell/Victor Salazar</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>241</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Uno</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“You’re with Mia. You’re not gay Victor.”</p><p>	His father’s voice was gruff and verging on angry and Victor wanted to crawl into a hole and die.  He’d known that their reactions were not going to be great but actually experiencing their denial was something else.  He wouldn’t take it back though, it was out there now and he was going to own it.  This was who he was.</p><p>	“Papi, I’m gay, and being with Mia didn’t change that.  I thought it could but this is who I am.”  Victor fought hard to keep the tears from his voice and mostly succeeded.</p><p>	“This is just a phase then, you just need to find a better girl Victor, Mia obviously wasn’t the one for you.” </p><p>	“Armando, please.”  His mother murmured, putting a hand on her husband's forearm.  When his dad turned to look at her she just shook her head silently and then turned back to Victor, “Why don’t we talk about this in the morning, mijo.  It’s late and this is a lot to take in, I think we would all do better on a full night's sleep.”</p><p>	Victor wished they could hash it all out right now but she knew his mami was right,  he could see the anger growing in his dad’s face.  He couldn’t even look at Victor.  Without saying anything Victor turned and walked back to his room, only letting the tears fall once the door was closed.</p><p>	He knew this would be hard, that he wouldn’t get the same happy ending that Simon did, but knowing it and experiencing it were two very different things.  He thinks back on his relationship with his parents, how close they all were, and hopes to god that he didn’t just permanently ruin that.</p><p>	His mom hadn’t really said much but she hadn’t looked angry and he hoped in his heart of hearts that she would still love him the same.  His mami was his favorite person in the whole world, he always felt safe with her and he didn’t want that to change.</p><p>	Even though he worried about his parents and how they were reacting to his news, he couldn’t regret coming out.  There was something so freeing about the whole thing that it felt like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders, like he’d been carrying the entire world around with his and hadn’t even noticed.  He doesn’t know how he spent so many years hiding.</p><p>Simon,</p><p>I finally told my parents.  I’m out now, at least with my family and a friend, but it’s a start.  I don’t know if I’m ready to scream it to the world but I’m not going to deny it anymore.</p><p>My parents didn’t react the best but they also didn’t react the worst.  My dad kept denying it, saying that I “wasn’t really gay” but my mom stopped him, saying that we should have this conversation in the morning. I hope that means that she accepts me but who knows.</p><p>I kissed Benji again though, and Mia caught us.  I feel so bad about it, not only because she caught us, but also because I wouldn’t take any of it back.  I’m supposed to call him tomorrow after I talk to Mia and I’m super excited.<br/>
He broke up with his boyfriend for me.  Well, not just for me, also because they weren’t doing well in the first place, but still.  I hope you don’t think differently for kissing him again, it all just happened so fast.</p><p>Victor</p><p>---</p><p>	He woke up to Pilar leaning over him, shaking him lightly.  He startled a little before yawning and sitting up.</p><p>	“Mami and Papi are already awake, they’re in the kitchen waiting for you.”  She said.  Pilar lifted her head and looked him in the eyes, “Listen, I just wanted to say, I support you.  I was surprised last night, and a little angry that you hadn’t told me first, but I understand that you were scared.  I’m here for you and I’ll be on your side no matter what happens today, okay?”</p><p>	Affection swells in Victor’s chest and he leans forward to hug her tight, “Thank you, Pilar, I really appreciate it.”  He leans back, steels himself and says, “I know that kissing Benji while I was still with Mia was wrong, and there is nothing I can say that will make it right, but I hope that learning why will make you less mad at me.”</p><p>	“I get it, and I still think you were wrong for it, but I don’t hate you and I’m not judging you.  You were in a difficult place and I understand that.”  She ruffles his hair,  “Now get dressed and let’s go face the music.”</p><p>	She leaves him be and he gets dressed.  He’s moving in slow motion and he tries to get himself to dress faster but he’s just so nervous.  What if they hate him?  What if they never want to talk to him again? What if they kicked him out?  Each possibility was more horrifying than the next.</p><p>	Once he was done, and could no longer justify how long he was taking he pulled open his door.  Pilar was standing against the hallway wall and jerked her head at him to follow when he stepped out of his room.</p><p>	The noise in the kitchen stopped as soon as they entered the room.  His mom sent a sharp look at his father before smiling at Victor. </p><p>	“Good morning, my love.”  She held her arms out for a hug and Victor dropped against her wordlessly, soaking up the love and affection before the world exploded.  “We wanted to talk to you about what you said last night.”</p><p>	“Okay.”  </p><p>	“We just- are you sure this is what you want?”</p><p>	His father piped up from the stool he was propped on, “If this is because you’re mother and I told you that we are separating, it’s not funny.”</p><p>	“This isn’t a joke, Dad.” Pilar sounded angry and Victor loved her for it.</p><p>	“Pilar this isn’t about you, why don’t you go to your room.”  his mother shooed his sister away.</p><p>	Pilar looked to him and he nodded, there was no need to make them even more angry than they already were.  He watched his sister walk away with trepidation before turning back to his parents.</p><p>	They both looked at him and he sucked in a breath for courage, “This isn’t a phase and I’m not doing this to get back at you for splitting up, this is just me.  It’s who I am and it doesn’t make me any different than who I was yesterday, or last week, or last year.  I’ve always been gay.”</p><p>	“You can’t be gay in this household, I don’t need that perversion here.  You have a little brother, what will he think?”  His dad sneered at him, a look Victor had never seen directed at himself.  </p><p>	“Mando-” His mami chastised. “Victor we just want what’s best for you, that’s all, and we aren’t sure that this is it.  Life will be so hard.”</p><p>	“Mami, just because my life will be harder doesn’t mean I’m going to hide who I am.  The hardest part of my life so far was keeping myself a secret.  I don’t want to do that anymore.  I can’t do it anymore.”</p><p>	His mom just looked sad, like she’d lost something she couldn’t get back.</p><p>	“You’d better rethink this hard, Victor.”  His dad couldn’t even look at him anymore,  “I won’t have you living in this house parading your perversion around.”</p><p>	Victor’s chest constricted.  Were they really going to kick him out, is that how this would end?  What was he supposed to do?  Where would he go?  His thoughts were spiraling when his mami spoke up.</p><p>	“We are not kicking him out, Armando!”  She hissed at him through closed teeth. She turned to him and grabbed him by the forearms, “I love you so much, Victor, and I will never stop.  I’m just going to need time to get used to this.”</p><p>	“You’re mother may be okay with this but I’m not.”</p><p>	“Why don’t you go out for the day?  I’ll give you a little money and in the meantime your Papi and I can talk about this, okay?”</p><p>	“Okay.”  he took the twenty she handed him and walked back to his room to grab his shoes.  Pilar was waiting for him on his bed and raised her eyebrows when she saw him but he shook his head, “Mami gave me some money, let’s go out.”</p><p>	Pilar didn’t argue, just grabbed her own shoes before linking her arm with his.</p><p>---</p><p>	They ended up at the mall, sitting in the food court with overly large milkshakes.  Pilar was staring at him, biting on her straw and finally he couldn’t take it anymore.</p><p>	“Did you hear the whole fight?”</p><p>	“Some of it.  Enough.”  She leaned forward and grabbed his hand, “Mami wont let Papi kick you out, I promise.  She would kick him out before she let you leave,  actually, she might kick him out now that they are separating.  What a twist.”</p><p>	“I hope so.”  He wanted to make a joke but nothing seemed appropriate.</p><p>	“So...B...for Benji.”  She gave him a sly look.</p><p>	“B for Benji,”  He confirmed.</p><p>	“Are you and him going to like, get together or something?”  She added, “Once you officially end things with Mia that is.  Which is something you should do ASAP.”</p><p>	“I know, I was planning on talking to her today, I just need to find the right thing to say.”  He scrubs a hand over his face, “Although I guess there isn’t really a right thing to say when you’re telling your girlfriend you’re gay and you cheated on her with a boy.”</p><p>	“Yeah, maybe not, but you can give it your best try.”  She gave him a sympathetic look before going back to prying, “So Benji, is there something there or was it just a one time thing.”</p><p>	“No, there is something there.  I think he wants to be with me, I’m just nervous.”</p><p>	“Why?”</p><p>	“I mean, he’s been out for while you know, and I’m still just coming out to people.  What if I move too slow for him, or I’m not good enough?”</p><p>	“Do you want to be with him?”</p><p>	“Yes.” He nods a little too emphatically and feels his cheeks heat with embarrassment.</p><p>	“And he wants to be with you.”</p><p>	It’s said like a statement but he answers anyways, “Yes.”</p><p>	“Then you should do it.  I mean, he knows the situation, I’m assuming and you just keep getting braver and braver everyday. I’m sure he understands and is ready to go at your pace.”  She waves a hand around like it’s obvious, “Besides, you’re awesome, why wouldn’t he?”</p><p>	“Yeah, I mean I guess you’re right.  I’ll never know until I give it a shot.” </p><p>	“He’s pretty cute, too.”</p><p>	Victor smiles and ducks his head, “Yeah he is, isn’t he.”</p><p>---</p><p>	Victor texts Mia when he and Pilar are leaving the mall.</p><p>Hi,</p><p>I know that I messed up, and you probably never want to speak to me again but I’m hoping you’ll let me explain.  You deserve at least that.</p><p>Victor</p><p>It takes less than five minutes to text her back and all she says is:</p><p>My house. One hour.</p><p>	He shows Pilar the message and they book it to the bus station, he rides the bus home with his sister to make sure she gets back safe and then hops on another to get to Mia’s house.  He arrives in exactly an hour and stands in front of her house for five minutes before ringing the doorbell.  Her dad is the one to answer and he doesn’t look particularly thrilled to see Victor standing on his stoop.</p><p>	“Um, hi, I’m here to see Mia?”  He’s nervous and it comes out as a question.</p><p>	“If you make her cry again, we are going to have problems,” Mia’s dad points a stern finger at him. “She’s in her room.”</p><p>	Mia is sitting at her easel when he walks in and leaves him standing there for a minute before she turns to face him. “What you did was really fucked up.”</p><p>	She looks sad and he says, “I know, and I’m so sorry that I hurt you.”</p><p>	“So, were you just using me the whole time?”</p><p>	“Of course not.”  he makes an inane gesture with his hands, “I just- I didn’t know that I was gay really, when we first started dating.  I really liked you, and I liked spending time with you and I guess I just confused it for feelings.”</p><p>	“Once you realized you should have told me, I looked like an idiot, finding you kissing another boy.”  He can see tears welling in her eyes before she blinks them away, “You just- you should have told me.”</p><p>	“I was planning on it, when we made the sushi, but then your dad walked in and you found out about the baby and him getting married and it just wasn’t the right time.  I just wanted to give you one last great night at the dance before I dropped that bomb on you too.”</p><p>	“I guess- I guess I can see where you are coming from, but there never would have been a good time to tell me.  You hurt me more than if you had just ripped the bandaid off.”</p><p>	“I know I’m sorry.”  He doesn’t know what else to say except that he’s just so sorry.</p><p>	“I don’t think I want to see you for a while.  Maybe we should just stay away from each other.” </p><p>	It hurts but he understands, “I get it, but you should just know, none of what I did was a reflection on you.  You’re an amazing person and you deserve the best and I really hope you get it.”</p><p>	She doesn’t respond for a second and then she tells him, “Look, Victor, I don’t hate you, I know that what you’re going through is really hard and that you didn’t mean to hurt me, but you did.  You really hurt me and I just need time.”</p><p>	He nods and turns away to leave when she calls his name.</p><p>	“I won’t tell anyone by the way, I’m mad, but I would never do that.”</p><p>	He smiles at her, “I know.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Dos</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Victor called Benji that night once he was tucked into bed away from the world, warm and safe under his covers.  The phone rang three times before Benji picked up.</p><p>	“Hey.”  His voice was low and soft and Victor’s heart swooped.</p><p>	“Hey.” he wondered if Benji could hear the smile in his voice, “Sorry I’m calling so late.”</p><p>	“Don’t worry about it, I wasn’t going to sleep anytime soon anyways, I’m just glad you called at all.”  </p><p>	“Of course I did.”  He’d looked forward to it all day.</p><p>	“So, did you talk to Mia?”  Benji’s voice was hesitant, like he didn’t want to say the wrong thing.</p><p>	“I did actually, yeah.  Apparently she saw us kissing at the dance, so I just...apologized and explained.  We broke up though, obviously.”  He sighed and scrubbed a hand down his face, “The conversation went as well as it could have given what happened but I still feel bad.”</p><p>	“Wow, that’s really hard, I’m sorry you had to go through that.”  There was a pause and then, “I hope she’s okay too, what we did wasn’t fair to her.”</p><p>	“It wasn’t, but I don’t regret it.”  He thinks that makes him sound like a horrible person.</p><p>	“I don’t either.” Benji gives a sardonic laugh, “Is that bad?”</p><p>	“I don’t think it’s bad or good, I think it just is.”</p><p>	There’s silence for a minute, the sound of their breathing echoing through the phone.  Victor wonders what happens next.  Do they go along like nothing has happened? The thought saddens him so he asks.</p><p>	“What happens now?”</p><p>	“What do you mean?”</p><p>	“Like with us,” Victor specifies, “What happens with us?”</p><p>	“Well,” He hears the other boy suck in a deep breath and then he says all at once, “Maybe we could go on a date?”<br/>	A happiness like no other settles over Victor and he does a little happy shimmy against his pillows.  He doesn’t know how he denied this part of him for so long.  He felt so free and excited in this moment that he never wanted it to end.</p><p>	“That would be awesome.”</p><p>	“Next Friday then?  I have a car, so I could pick you up if you want?”</p><p>	“Sounds perfect.”</p><p>---</p><p>	They’re all in the kitchen for breakfast when his mom says, “We need to talk to you guys.”</p><p>	The three siblings look at her expectantly, so she takes a deep breath and turns to their father, as if prompting him to speak first.</p><p>	“I’m moving out.” His papi says, no preamble.</p><p>	“Your Papi and I, we think that it would be better if we weren’t living under the same roof, now that we are separating.”  She pats the table softly, “We know that this is going to be hard but it’s for the best.”</p><p>	“Is Papi leaving because of Victor?”  Pilar questions angrily.</p><p>	Adrian looks confused, “Why would Papi leave because of Victor?”</p><p>	Victor's head is starting to reel, he knew that their separation would mean one of them would move out, but he couldn’t help but feel like it was because of him.  His body feels hot with shame and he hangs his head, just wanting this to be over with.</p><p>	“No of course not-” His mami starts only to be interrupted.</p><p>	“It’s partly because of our separation and partly because of Victor.”  His papi says meanly.</p><p>	If his body was hot before it was boiling now.  He fought the urge to throw up right there on the floor, and Pilar must have sensed his growing panic because she reached out and grabbed his hand.</p><p>	“You are a horrible person and no one is going to miss you.” She directed the scathing words at their father, “Let’s go Victor.”</p><p>	She tugged on his hand and they left, ignoring their mother’s pleas for them to come back.  Pilar dragged him to their bed and sat him down roughly.  He leaned onto his knees as she paced in front of him.</p><p>	“Don’t even think of listening to him.  He’s not leaving because of you, he’s leaving because he’s a homophobe.” </p><p>	Pilar opens her mouth to say something else when the door cracks open and their mami peeks her face in.</p><p>	“Can I have a moment with Victor please?”  She looks directly at Victor, “Please.”</p><p>	Pilar looks over at him, like she would fight to stay if he needed her but he shakes his head, “It’s fine Pilar, you can go.”</p><p>	His sister leaves the room, but not without giving their mother the side eye.  Victor moved over on the bed to give her room and she sat down with a heavy sigh.  He worried about what she would say next.  She hadn’t outright denied him and even though she seemed okay with it, she hadn’t defended him at the table.</p><p>	“Victor,” She sucked in a breath through her teeth, “I told you that I needed time, but I was wrong.  I shouldn’t have needed to take any time to accept my son for who he is.  I never stopped loving you even for a second, though, I want you to know that.”</p><p>	A single tear slipped down Victor’s cheek and she lifted her hand to wipe it away.  The words she was saying now were the ones that he had hoped to hear and it felt amazing to be assured of her love and acceptance.</p><p>	“Your Papi is having a hard time with this, but that does not give him the right to talk to you that way.”  she rubs a hand over his hair, “I was the one that told him he had to leave.  He needs to get his head on straight before he can be a member of this family again.  You deserve to come home to a safe and happy house.”</p><p>	He doesn’t know what else to say except, “Thank you.”</p><p>	“You don’t need to thank me, mijo.  I should be thanking you, for making me a better and braver person.”</p><p>	Victor puts his head down, overwhelmed but happy.  She accepts him wholeheartedly and he doesn’t know why he doubted that she would.</p><p>	“Victor, you inspire me every day.”</p><p>---</p><p>Victor,</p><p>I’m so happy that you finally came out to your parents, that is a really hard thing to do and you are super brave for it.  I hope that in time your parents will learn to accept you, but I’m glad that you are finally accepting yourself.</p><p>That’s awesome that things are working out for you so well with Benji, I’m rooting for you guys!  I don’t think badly of you for kissing him again but I do wish that you had told Mia first.</p><p>Let me know how those talks go.</p><p>Love,</p><p>Simon<br/>---</p><p>	School on Monday was weird, his dad had cleared out his stuff yesterday and was staying at a hotel for the time being.  The house had been quiet and he’d slept fitfully.</p><p>	“Hey, man.”  Felix wrapped an arm around his shoulders, “Didn’t hear from you all weekend, I was beginning to think you’d died.”</p><p>	“I told my family.”</p><p>	“Told them what- Oh, that.” Felix’s eyebrows rose until they were practically off his face, “How’d that go?”</p><p>	Victor shook his head, “I don’t really want to talk about that right now.”</p><p>	“Well, that’s fine, I have a lot to catch you up on too.”  He slapped his hand hard against Victor’s back and then splayed them out in front of him, “You missed the end of the dance so you didn’t see; Lake professed our love in front of the entire school and then kissed me up on stage.”</p><p>	It was Victor’s turn to raise his eyebrows, “Wow, dude that is awesome. It was about time.”</p><p>	“I know right?!”  His gaze turns wistful, “We made out in her room after for like-”</p><p>	Victor tuned him out.  It wasn’t that he didn’t care what his friend was saying, it was just that there was so much running through his head he couldn’t focus on everything else.  The only thing getting him through this week was his date on Friday, it had been the first thing he’d thought of this morning and he practically thrummed with anticipation.</p><p>	The day moved slow and he tried to stay out of Mia’s way as best as he could but it was hard when they shared so many classes.  They’d locked eyes a few times during the day and each time left him feeling guilty all over again.  Pilar and Felix sat with him during lunch like usual but the table still felt empty without Mia and Lake.</p><p>	He didn’t spot Andrew until the end of the day and when he did another worry filled him up, to top off all the rest.  He wanted to believe that Andrew was actually a good guy and wouldn’t tell everyone, but he wasn’t holding out hope.  It wasn’t that he didn’t want to come out at school, so much as he wanted to be the one to do it.</p><p>	Andrew caught his gaze from down the hall and Victor knew that whatever he was going to do, he’d better do it soon.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Tres</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Wednesday hits and he realizes with an air of surprise that he hasn’t talked to Benji for three days now.  He sits up in bed with a start and pulls his phone from the nightstand.</p><p>Victor: Hey, are you awake?</p><p>Benji: Yeah, what’s up?</p><p>Victor: Can I call?</p><p>Instead of responding Benji calls him and Victor can’t press the accept button fast enough.</p><p>“Benji.” He breaths out, sounding embarrassingly excited.</p><p>He hears a chuckle down the line, “Hey, everything okay?”</p><p>“I just realized that I haven’t talked to you in like three days, and I wanted to change that.” He picks at a piece of thread fraying from his blanket, “I-I miss you.”</p><p>“I miss you too,” He can hear the ‘aww’ in his voice, “Is everything okay? Last we talked things with your family were kind of at a breaking point.”</p><p>“Yeah,” Victor laughs sardonically, “Well good news is that my mom told me she accepts me one hundred percent.  Bad news is, my dad hates me and moved out because he couldn’t even stand to look at me”</p><p>“Oh my god.”</p><p>“Yeah, oh my god,” he huffs out a sigh, “I keep going over and over in my head of what I could have done wrong, what I could have done to make him disgusted with me.  Then I realize it’s not something I’ve done, but who I am, which just makes it so much worse.”</p><p>“Hey,” Benji’s voice is sharp now, “Don’t talk like that, you are not wrong.  Don’t let his non-acceptance of you affect your acceptance of yourself.  You can’t help who you are and anyone who asks you to is selfish.”</p><p>“I mean, I guess logically I know you’re right, it just feels right now like the whole world is ending.”</p><p>“I can’t tell you I completely understand but my dad was really in denial of the whole thing when I came out.  It took him six months to even say the word ‘gay’ but he said it Victor.  Maybe if you give your dad time he’ll realize how he’s acting and change his mind.”</p><p>“God I hope so, I know it sounds really cheesy but my family is everything to me.  I love them more than life itself.” His chest is heavy now and he brings a hand up to it as if he could manually suck in more air.  When he speaks his voice comes out breathy and weak, “I just really want him to love me.”</p><p>His breaths are getting harder and harder to take and his vision is starting to narrow and he has no idea what is going on.  Was he dying?  Could you die from sadness?  He can hear Benji talking in the background faintly but the words sound like mush.  He knows he should respond but he can’t move, it felt like everything in his body was shutting down.</p><p>“-going to take some deep breaths now, just listen to my voice and I’ll guide you through. Alright, deep breath in 1,2,3,4.” Benji’s voice filters back in and Victor holds onto it like a lifeline.  He pulls in a deep breath and listens to the rest of the instructions. “Hold 1,2,3,4.  Breathe out 1,2,3,4.”</p><p>	Two more cycles of that and Victor starts to feel less like death could take him at any moment.  Three cycles and he feels human again.  He doesn’t know how Benji knew what to do but he does know he’s grateful.</p><p>	“I’m okay.” He puts the phone back up to his ear feeling stupid, “I’m okay. I’m so sorry, I don’t know what that was.”</p><p>	“Panic attack.  They’re called panic attacks, I… used to get them a lot as a little kid after my grandma died.”  Benji’s voice is still soft and soothing, “We were best friends and when she died I could just get so overwhelmed that suddenly I would sweat and my heart would pound and I wouldn’t be able to breathe.”</p><p>	“Oh, well I’m sorry you had to deal with that.”</p><p>	“Don’t be, Victor, it happens.  Besides I’m sure if I needed you you would have been there for me too.”</p><p>	“Of course.”  He says without even pausing to think.</p><p>	“Exactly, so it’s all good.  Do you feel a little better now?  We can stay on the phone for longer if you want or I can let you go to sleep, I know panic attacks can wipe you out afterwards.”</p><p>	“Actually, I think I do need to sleep now, but do you want to meet tomorrow morning before school?”</p><p>	“Band room?”</p><p>	“Sounds perfect.”</p><p>---</p><p>	Benji is leaning against the room when he reaches their agreed upon spot and Victor thinks he looks just as gorgeous as ever.  The other boy hasn’t seen him yet and reaches a hand up to run his fingers through his hair.  Victor could just melt into the floor.</p><p>	Instead he takes in the empty hallway, walks up, and kisses Benji.  The other boy is obviously surprised, but wastes no time in reciprocating.  Their lips touching is like fire and when their tongues brush an explosion rushes through his body.  He never wants to stop kissing Benji, could stay in this moment forever, but they’re at school so he pulls away far too soon.</p><p>	“Wow,” Benji smiles and it feels like the sun peeking between the clouds, “Um, good morning.”</p><p>	“Morning.”  Victor can’t help but return his smile, “How’d you sleep.”</p><p>	“Well, I woke up far too early because I was excited about seeing you, which is all your fault really.”</p><p>	Victor laughs, “Really, now.”</p><p>	“Really, really; but seriously I hope you were able to get some sleep after we hung up, I know last night was pretty rough for you.  Hell, it’s been rough for you for a long while.”</p><p>	“Yeah.  You were right last night, though.  I’m going to try to give my dad more time before I completely lose hope.”  he sighs, “I’m not really expecting much.”</p><p>	“You’re really strong you know, for being able to give your dad a chance.”  He looks back at the music room and then at Victor again, “I’ve been working on a new cover, do you want to hear it?”</p><p>	“Yeah, I do.”  He hasn’t heard Benji sing since battle of the bands and he was excited at the prospect of hearing him again. “What’s the cover?”</p><p>	“You’ll see.”</p><p>	Benji leads him into the room and grabs a guitar from the back shelf.  They’re both settled down on stools before Benji starts playing. ‘Take Me to Church,’ Benji was playing Victor ‘Take Me to Church.’  His voice was as smooth as silk and Victor was entranced, unable to look away.  Benji’s fingers strummed the chords effortlessly and mostly he’s looking down at his guitar while he sings, but every so often he looks up and they lock eyes and Victor's body flushes with affection.</p><p>	When the song is over they just kind of sit there for a minute, not talking or moving.  Benji’s face is flushed and his hair is falling into his face and he just serenaded Victor with what was possibly the gayest song on the planet.  Victor wants to kiss him, so he does.</p><p>	“That was beautiful.” Victor says honestly, “I really liked it.”</p><p>	“Thanks.” His face breaks into that blinding smile again, “I’ve been working on it for a while and I think I finally got it how I want it.”</p><p>	“It was really good.” He reassures.</p><p>	The warning bell rings and they both look up.  He knows that students will start filing in soon, and he doesn’t want to leave but he also doesn’t want the weird looks people will give them.  He stands up and stretches, grabbing his backpack from the floor and swings it over his shoulder.</p><p>	“We should probably go,” Victor says, “Don’t want to be late to class.”</p><p>---</p><p>	Simon,</p><p>It feels like a lot has happened since my last message.  My dad left, didn’t even say good-bye, just walked right out.  My mom kicked him out for being a homophobic asshole and I love that she loves me enough to defend me in such a big way, but I really wish she hadn’t had to.</p><p>One of the biggest assholes at school knows I’m gay and he said he wouldn’t tell anyone but I’m not so sure.  He basically lives to knock people down.  And it’s not that I’m not ready to tell people I just want to be able to do it in my own way, and at my own pace.</p><p>Benji and I have our first date on Friday and I’m kind of freaking out.  I’ve been on dates with Mia but it never felt like this.  Benji gives me butterflies just from looking at me and it makes me lose my words.  He sang a song for me today (he’s a musician) and I felt so happy I could fly.</p><p>I hope everything is going well with you, tell everyone I said hi and give Bram a hug for me.</p><p>Victor</p><p>---</p><p>	The house phone rings a few times before Victor accepts that no one else is going to get it, so he gets up and answers.</p><p>	“Hello?”</p><p>	There’s silence on the phone for a minute before his dad says, “Victor.”</p><p>	“Papi,”  Victor doesn’t know what else to say, how to respond, so he waits for his dad to do it for him.</p><p>	“Put your Mami on the phone.” The command is gruff and it sparks something in Victor.</p><p>	“That’s all you have to say to me?”</p><p>	“There’s nothing else to say, Victor.” his papi sounds angry now, “You made your choice.”</p><p>	“It wasn’t a choice, dad, it’s just me.” he wants to bang his head against the wall in frustration, “We don’t even know where you are, Adrian cries everyday.”</p><p>	“It’s for the best, I can’t be around you.”</p><p>	“Dad,” his voice breaks and he hates the display of weakness, “Can’t you just- can’t you just love me? I’m still your son.”</p><p>	“You’re not my son anymore.”</p><p>	Victor hangs up the phone with ferocity  and runs to his room, practically knocking over Pilar as he barrels down the hall.  He hears her calling after him but he doesn’t stop until he’s face down on his bed, screaming into a pillow.  The door opens and he feels the bed dip as his sister sits down.</p><p>	She puts a hand on his back and asks, “What happened?”</p><p>	He feels that tight feeling in his chest again and takes a second to just breathe.  Pilar waits patiently and then slides back to make room for him when he sits up.  He feels stupid with tears tracking down his face and puffy eyes.  Stupid for letting his dad get to him.</p><p>	“Papi called.”</p><p>	“Oh no,” she commiserates, “What did he say.”</p><p>	“He, um,”  he takes another deep breath as he tries to get the words out, he knows that once he says it it’ll be real, “He said that he doesn’t want to see me, that I’m not his son anymore.”</p><p>	“Oh my god,” Pilar pulls him into a hug and Victor rests his head on her shoulder, “Don’t worry about him, he’s not important anymore.  He’s just a sad, hateful man and you don’t need that in your life, none of us do.”</p><p>	“I just thought- I thought that, maybe he still loved me.”</p><p>	“We still love you Victor, me and Mami and Adrian.  We love you more than anything in the world and we support you and who you are.”  She rubs his back once more before pulling back, “You are awesome.”</p><p>	“Thank, Pilar,” he gives her a watery smile, “I can always count on you.”</p><p>---</p><p>	Friday comes faster than Victor thought it would and he practically vibrates his way through classes.  He’s nervous for tonight, really nervous, but mostly he’s excited.  He doesn’t know what Benji has planned so he’s ready for anything.  Pilar catches him at the end of the day before he heads to the parking lot and wishes him luck while Felix wiggles his eyebrows behind her.</p><p>	When he does get to the parking lot he sees Benji leaning against a dull yellow car, looking at something on his phone. Victor pops in front of him with a little, ‘Boo.’</p><p>	Benji looks up with a smile and says, “Alright, are you ready for the best date ever?”</p><p>	Victor laughs, “Well, I did once go on a date to an art show about trash that was decomposed inside animals, so the bar is already set pretty high.”</p><p>	“Well, I can promise you at least that it has nothing at all to do with decomposed trash or excretions from animals.”  He gives a chuckle and opens the passenger side door, “But, I can also promise you that I’m going to blow your mind.”</p><p>	Benji hops into the drivers side and a thought pops into Victor's head suddenly, “Wait, I thought your license was suspended?”</p><p>	“Nope. Or, not anymore.  My suspension lifted last night.”  he gives a little fist bump, “An entire year of not being able to drive and I just feel so free now. Like, I can go anywhere I want whenever I want.  It’s pretty great.”</p><p>	“It sounds pretty great, I can’t wait to have my own car and be able to do that.”</p><p>	“Well for now you have me, and I love adventures so I’m always down to just get in the car and drive.”  He looks over as he puts the car in gear, “And it’s just icing on the cake if I get to do it with you.”</p><p>	“So, do I get to know what we’re doing now?”</p><p>	“Definitely not.” Benji laughed, “Do you have a specific time you need to be home though?  It’s going to be a bit of a trek.”</p><p>	“Nope,” Victor says happily, “Mami let me off my curfew for tonight.”</p><p>	“Amazing.”</p><p>	They drive until the houses get smaller and dingier,  until they start to spread out and he sees sprawling land.  The trees get thicker and thicker and suddenly they’re stopping on the edge of a large forest.  Benji clicks off his seat belt and gestures for Victor to follow his lead.</p><p>	They get out the car and Benji pops the trunk, pulling out a blanket and an honest to god wicker picnic basket.</p><p>	“You’re taking me on a picnic,”  Victor’s heart feels full, “That’s so cheesy.  I love it.”</p><p>	Benji looks happy at the admission and Victor feels good that he did something right.  Maybe he wouldn’t be a total disaster on this date.  He was still nervous, but feeling more confident with every passing minute.</p><p>	“Alright, follow me,”  He walks with purpose over to the line of trees and Victor follows, “Don’t worry about getting lost, I used to live around here and I know these woods like the back of my hand.”</p><p>	“Oh good, so we don’t have to worry about any axe murderers in here.”</p><p>	“Nope,” They’re getting deeper into the woods now and Victor hears something that sounds like water, “The only thing you have to worry about in this forest is me.”</p><p>	“Oh jeez, don’t tell me you’re luring me into these woods under false pretenses.”  He clutches his chest in mock shock, “I’m too pretty to die.”</p><p>	“That you are.”  Benji winks an eye at him and Victor can feel the blush that spreads over his face.</p><p>	They walk for about five minutes before the trees open up to a clearing banked by a large lake.</p><p>	“Whoa.”  Victor says, looking around the area in awe, “It’s so beautiful here.”</p><p>	“Yeah it is.” But when Victor looks over Benji is looking at him with warm eyes.  He looks back to the lake and then starts to spread out the blanket, “I used to come here with my mom as a kid, and then by myself when I got older.  It’s my favorite place, I’ve actually never brought anyone here.”</p><p>	“Wow, uh, I’m flattered,” And he really was, “I can see why it’s your favorite.”</p><p>	“Yeah.” His voice sounds wistful.</p><p>	They sit down on the blanket and Benji starts to pull out the food from the basket.  Sandwiches and fruit and even a bottle of what turns out to be sparkling juice.  Victor thinks it’s all really sweet, the preparation he went through for this date.  He doesn’t feel worth it.</p><p>	They eat in relative silence, cracking a joke here and there, laughing together around their sandwiches and strawberries.  At one point Victor nearly spits his juice out and ends up making some weird snort instead and Benji laughs at him.</p><p>	When they’re done they lay back on the blanket and look up at the sky.</p><p>	“So, how’d I do,” Benji asks, turning his head to look at him, “Good first date?”</p><p>	Victor turns on his side, one arm underneath his head and says honestly, “This has been amazing.  You set the bar so high though, I don’t know how I’ll ever top it.”</p><p>	“I’ll love any date you take me on, as long as I’m with you.”</p><p>	The words are cheesy and it brings another flush to Victor’s face.  Looking at Benji and how earnest his eyes are heats his whole body and Victor wants nothing more than to touch him, so he leans forward and kisses Benji with everything he has.</p><p>	The other boy draws in a sharp breath and kisses him back with the same urgency.  Their lips slide against each other, fitting together perfectly, like they were made for one another.  When Benji slips his tongue in Victor can’t help but push against him until their bodies are flush together.</p><p>	Benji slips a hand under his t-shirt, his skin burning into him like a brand and Victor wants more.  He feels overwhelmed with his need to get closer to the other boy, but in a good way.  It feels like they could exist in this moment forever and when Benji pushes him back to straddle him Victor goes willingly.</p><p>	He’d never done this before, he hadn’t even ever kissed anyone with tongue before Benji, but being here, doing this, it just felt right.  He knew now, more sure than ever, that he had to come out to the rest of the world, because he wanted to be able to kiss Benji anytime and anywhere.</p><p>	He wanted to be able to be himself always, never having to hide again.  He knew now that he was brave enough to do it and as Benji pulled his shirt off he knew that having this boy by his side would only give him courage.</p><p>---</p><p>Simon,</p><p>I came out to the whole school today.  Kissed Benji in front of everyone during lunch.</p><p>Benji is coming over tonight to meet my family (minus my dad obviously) and I know they’re going to love him.  How could they not.</p><p>Thank you for always being there, for accepting me and encouraging me.  You’ve helped me more than you know and I don’t know if I’d have gotten here without you. So, thank you.</p><p>Love,</p><p>Victor</p>
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